a blog is a diary
a diary is supposed to contain privacy
but not when it is an online diary
ppl read ur diary
be it ur tots or feelings
u gotta think twice wad u wan to post
before it hurts e other party mentioned in ur post
ppl u noe or not
reads ur diary
n let their tots wonder
so e next time u blog
think again

finali back from hospital
made so many friends dere
whahaha

leading a princess life now
anything oso canot do
canot carry heavy things
canot go watch com
canot go out
canot eat cold food

recovering stage
mux rest alot alot
onli tat day den i realised
im so blessed
so many ppl dote on mi

auntie uncle came to visit mi
den i noe y dey love mi so much
owaes buy things for mi
hubby dun haf
haha
no wonder he jealous

e firx time eva
i got an mc for 9days!!
whow
used to ask for onli 1day so difficult
now nv ask got 9days
lolx

so bored
no printer at home
cant print past yr paper do oso
cant print moi US stuff oso
anywhere oso canot go
unless mama ard

can u imagine
im not even allowed to wash moi own dishes
aiyoyo

tmr ish e day
or shd i sae today
finali e day arrives for mi to sae goodbye
hopefully e right decision
haix

finali done wid gbe
e major project tat got everyone headaches for e past few mths
done wid tle too
great
one more to go
in fact two more

after this wk
i'll be free
for a while at least

exams in 2wks time
flying off in 4wks time
whew
time reali flies
how fast
i haben even gotten moi luggage
dun even noe whether got time to pack

so many things to bring
jux hope i'll not forget this n tat

gotta go back to moi project

jux hoping i'll not haf regrets
cross out depressions
may god bless mi

its e firx day of 7th mth
wad a coincidence
hmm
walk wid care ba

signing off

jux had moi dinner after e com
kinda late
sounds more like supper, i guess
haas

anyway
jux wanna sae
good job, moi kids!!
sp got 8.18
third place in west zone
blcc got in taka
congrats

alright
yepz, i was all alone
again
i went down alone
went home alone
was all alone throughout the com

ah yew saw mi
asked mi y i alone
ah seng saw mi
asked e same question
=)

so many friends
ppl i knew
was all around
yet i was all by moiself

i sat at a corner
watch sp move e things up to the lorry
n took group photo outside e cc
moi heart was crying
i dunno y
it jux hurts
to noe tat i might not be able to return

spld
a place where moi laughter remains
a place where i was once moiself
i love em
n i mux admit
im so much closer to em
it feels like a family
e love n warmth dey brought to mi
thankew

com finish
i msg hubby
he was chilling out wid his classmates
enjoying life
so good
cant rmb when was e last time
i chilled out wid moi friends
seems decades ago
haix

e turning point of moi life
i am lonely
i miss him terribly
but i dun wan to c him
i dunno y
but i jux miss him

tears wetting moi eyes
i am lonely

at home
i feel invisible at times
outside
im a nobody
wid moi friends
im owaes e one left out

y? y mux it be mi?!

i wan to get away
break away from everything
dere r so many ppl ard mi
but y am i owaes alone???

went to c com ytd
not bad
finali sumtink worth to c
blcc got 8.33
juboon got 8.49
play slide wor
creative sia
wonder how dey do e slide

was all alone by moiself
hubby sae come n find mi
end up got so busy din even haf time to sae gdbye
saw e lorry drove off
speechless

wasnt feeling well
e same thing again
doc owaes sae
if u got headache
jux take panadol n go to sch
dun nid mc
izzit?

den y am i owaes having headaches?
even when i haf enuff slp?
i dun like tat doc
go take mc
stil scold mi
wth

moi grp met up for proj on thur
nobody inform mi
until i ask em in sch on fri
haix

today oso dunno got meet up anot
wadeva la
dun wan to bother le

next wk
i will be missing again
i dun wan to
i wan to go back sch
i wan to attend lessons
but
dere r some things beyond moi control

mummy n didi was cleaning e house
i was at home
but seems invisible
keep hearing mummy shouting for moi didi
guess dats how it will be like
when im away ba
moi absence doesnt seems to make a difference

this time
am i reali going to fly?

counting down the days

moi darling gg for singing com wor!!
lolx
years ago if he told mi this
i wud nv gif support
but his singing improved alot
jia you wor!!

jux a pity
i cant be dere to hear him sing
somehow
every com he goes
i'll be dere to support
good or bad
i'll be dere
haas

nvm
he noes i'll be dere for him
even without moi physical presence

haix
time flies
left onli abt 4wks
i'll be flying
voom!!! all e way to usa
so far far away from home
sure homesick
plus lovesick
omg

jux now gs called
tmr he gg tekong le
he scared wor
cux 7th mth
haha
so timid
told him to prepare alot alot amulet leh
lolx!!

i guess he miss mi ba
sae among all his friends
those long long nv c de
all met le except mi
y am i always missing?

i wonder too
seems like i haf many friends
but y it seems like
i onli meet em once in a blue moon
n e weird thing is
its all diff grp of ppl
???

today c mama washing e kitchen
suddenly feel so blessed
to haf mama ard
i wanted so much to hug her
n sae im sorry

i haben been a good daughter
owaes make her so agitated
make her so worried
even scream at her
when im in e wrong

mummy, im sorry
i love ya, mummy

tat day
wlcs com
standard drop like dunno wad
disappointment

darling was sad
but i din find him
until e whole thing finishes

e words he sae
n e hug
made mi feel
gosh
i cant bear to leave him
n counting down
its onli 5more wks to go
omg

ytd was a tired day
but was glad i went ahead
at least i gotta knew
moi darling do miss mi
as much as i do
haas

he owaes make jokes
out of the questions i ask
never once sae e words i wanna hear
but i knew
he meant e other way

alright
guys r lidat
dey dun express themselves freely like gals
but dey do feel deeply too

probably
tats e difference between guys n gals

not much time left
i wan to cherish e time tgt
cux i noe
i will miss u like hell

a 4-day sch wk
i onli attended one day one lesson
mum beat mi wid her leather belt
got frustrated of mi not attending sch
grandsons sigh
disappointed tat i dun turn up for chu shi

well
dere mux be a reason
for e change in mi
n e reason being
somebody non-existent in ur world
tat somebody exist in moi world

not tat i dun wan to go sch
i cudnt wake up
wad u wan mi to do
i feel tired n sleepy all the time
i slp in the evening at 7pm
wake up at 9pm
i cudnt slp again at 12am
i tossed n turn until 4am
den i finali get to slp
i dream
den e alarm rings
e onli thing i rmb
is to off e alarm
n get back to slp

life seems meaningless
i need an alternative
i need a break

if mum gg to get heart attack becux of mi
i rather u get a knife n stab mi to death
dat will help ease ur torture
n i will be happier

news findings show
singaporeans rank bottom 2 in the world
for being e most unhappy

r u happy?

been ages since i last update
hmm
ytd was moi last day of work
finali reali finish work
but dunno wad happen
blur blur
end up mux top $3!!
-_-!!

guess maybe cux of sleepless nite ba
quarrelled e nite before
haix

today whole day no contact
another half hour reali ish 24hrs no tok le
dunno wad he doing oso
painting bamboos?
din even leave a msg for mi
haix

bery sianx leh
whole day at home
slp slp slp
sp chu shi oso nv go
got dragon today leh
haix

jux now watch pirates of the carribean
nice
but watch until i fell asleep
y i so tired leh
aiyo
btw
tat was channel 5
shall head to e movies

ytd hubby go kbox again
everytime go kbox
nv jio mi
humph
k la
last min de
canot blame him
but can at least ask mi rite
haix

dunno la
stomach bery pain
sumore no news of hubby at all
call or msg oso no reply
haix

today ish the 9th leh
purposely leave today free for him de lor
end up din even msg mi
haix haix haix
guess the date does matters to mi ba
dunno la
arghhhhhh!!!!

i reali miss u so much lor
like so many days neber c u
next month going to fly liao
den would be 5mths canot c u liao
now competition plus moi projects
wan to c u oso difficult
one wk oso dunno can c one time anot
tat once in a wk oso not 24hrs
not even one day!!
tat means e most onli can c u like 4days before i fly?!

aiyo
darling
i miss u so.. ...
where r u???

i read e lyrics
of the song
u once said to sing to mi
it made moi eyes wet

if those were ur true feelings
i wan to sae
im sorry
i was wrong
to haf tot u were untrue

god knows
whether u will c moi post
if u do
pls dun feel offended

its jux a way
for mi to express moi feelings
somehow
i jux cudnt sae it to u
moi tears wil drop
n i hate to cry infront of u

if eva
u c moi post
specially for u
hope u read it thru n thorough
n understand it thru

u know
i do love u still

i jux cudnt understand y e mention of moi involvement is owaes e root of our quarrels.. we share e same interest but y cant i be involved? he allowed his previous to go along for trainings for pfm, everywhere he goes.. y cant i? i dun get it.. i jux dun..

dun expect mi to know everything in ur mind.. i cant read ur mind.. its too complicated.. n i guess im too simple..

a simple asking mi out can reali brighten moi day even if we dun get to meet in the end.. im so easily contented.. wad else do u wan?

love is not about one giving in all the time.. i noe u gave in alot to mi too.. n u noe i love dragon.. given moi condition i noe i cant do vigorous exercises.. it will worsen.. but i onli follow.. y cant i even follow? moi whole family will be performing.. cant i go give em moi support? i was suppose to be in the pfm itself too..

before we patch, when u noe im going for chu shi wid moi grandsons u din sae anything.. i tot.. u changed.. u admitted ur selfishness.. u admitted u were too restrictive on mi.. dun u remember i was once so suffocated becux u tie mi too tight? n becux of tat i became rebellious?

u dun teach mi how to blog cux u noe i would be commenting alot abt us.. but since u dare to do it.. y dun u dare to admit? yes.. im pissed off.. im reali am.. i cant stand it anymore.. n im bursting out everything..

to be honest.. e period when we were separated.. e times when i was in sp.. was moi happiest time.. becux i had u i had moi dragon too.. we werent tgt.. but we had endless topic to go on n on.. i can freely express moi views on anything.. u will not scold.. e most we debate.. but i can go on n on.. i can go ahead wid moi trainings.. do anything i like.. u dun control mi.. i was most relaxed.. n tat was wad i owaes yearn for in us.. isnt tat how a r/s should be like?

i dun control u.. i let u do anything u wan.. u like.. so long u happy.. y cant u do e same? izzit becux u lacked e confidence in mi or in urself? when moi friends heard we patched.. to them, it's a piece of shocking news.. everybody was shocked.. n dey asked e same thing.. whether i stil haf feelings for u.. i wasnt sure until tat day.. when u asked mi out.. i realised.. yes.. i love u still.. e feelings may not be as strong as last time.. i may not be able to give 101% like in the past.. but e feelings are rekindling.. it is.. no matter wad others sae.. it doesnt matter.. it doesnt influence mi at all.. well.. dey sae i deserve somebody better.. but it doesnt matter to mi at all!! it doesnt!!

when ur friends heard u wanted a patch.. everybody was so excited n encouraged u.. dey sae e same thing too.. dey all feel tat its better for us to be tgt.. becux im a good gal? wadeva.. it doesnt matter to mi.. e thing that reali matters is ur thinking, ur feelings..

tat day when i c ur joy n ur tears.. i felt secured.. for once, i felt tat u r true.. i was assured.. den when u started to turn cold.. e insecurity came back.. i dunno wad happened.. i was scared.. so afraid tat history would happen.. so afraid tat u would tel mi u wan to break off, unexpectedly..

maybe tat was y.. im protecting moiself.. i cant imagine another similar blow from u.. i cant.. it took mi real long to walk out from the darkness.. at tat point of time, i even tot of commiting suicide.. u jux cant imagine how deep moi love was for u.. this time, i dun allow moiself to fall too deep.. im afraid tat when i fall deep, e same thing will happen.. but sometimes, i feel tat u r serious..

den again, i cant be sure.. izzit becux of regret u come back? to repay mi? when time is up, u will leave.. is tat so? no.. pls dun.. i reali dunno.. but i haf a feeling it isnt true.. u came back.. becux after one round u stil think im most suitable for u.. am i rite? i cant read ur mind.. i admit.. im blur most of the times.. n im slow.. but somehow i understand how u feel.. somehow nobody understands u like i do.. rite?

how i hope.. u can understand how i feel too..
all i wanted is jux a healthy n simple r/s.. one where we can share our laughters n sorrows.. one that we can hand in hand go thru all the wind n storms ahead.. one tat we can simply be ourselves..

yeah!! im so happy today!!
finali.. moi appetite seems to haf recovered!!

let mi recall..
hmm..
i ate bread n butter n kopi
den a roti prata
den a sweetcorn ice-cream
den dinner
its moi usual portion ooh
den half plate of mango
den a small cup of milk
den 6 otah
lolx!!

n i onli feel bery bery full
not terrible!!
great great!!
yippee yuppie!!

morning hubby date mi wor!!
haas
he seldom ask mi for date de wor..
though he gotta end work late
n we din met up at all
doesnt matter
its e tot that counts!!
love ya darling!!

den met up wid boonbee at nite
finali finish e scrapbook
yeah
chatted wid her
saw alvin
den saw junjie
den saw tat weijin who who
gosh
i forgot e name
anyway
i saw alot ppl
caught up wid em
feel so good

its owaes nice to catch up wid ur old mates
bb been moi buddy since primary one
counting back this is the 12th yr we known each other!!
its good tat we r stil regularly in contact
n we owaes haf endless topic
oh yeah

oh! n shirt i wear
seems to be attracting alot attention
"explain to me again why i need a bf"
lols

hey
didi sae got ghost show wor!!
going off!!
byebye!!

went online
chatted wid fx
we arent tat close
but he's e kind
whom i can reali trust

im such a disappointment
been some time we keep in touch
cant believe e change in mi
haix

upset, lost
mix of feelings
wad to do next
wad to do now?

been emotionally unstable
temper blow anyhow
thinking things i shdnt be

insecurity
worries
lonely

tel mi
wad to do

today not moi day
slept early
got bb worried
dreams
tired
woke up late
late for work
mistakes non-stop
sales got messed up
auntie got irritated
stop talking to mi
not in the right state of mind
haben even eaten anything
help
wad am i doing

its alrdy 3plus
im stil slacking
jux dun feel like going work
everyday work work work
bery tired leh

everyday
reach home at 12am
slp at 4am
wake up at 1pm
nightmares everyday
dun even haf time for moiself
haix

was supposed to go proj ytd
bb sick
went to look after him instead

den zq called
told mi abt e discussions
gosh
can alrdy feel the hectic-ness

monday
firx day of a new term
2 interviews
class starts at 8am
ends at 5pm
gotta go down to ritz carlton at 7pm
guess wont be home until 10pm
its onli the firx day!

arghh
i jux feel so tired
can i quit
stop schooling?
no

its alrdy e graduation year
1month plus of studying
den half yr attachment
n i'll graduate
how can i quit
it'll be such a waste

but..
im reali tired
drained
no more energy

bb sick again
ytd went
today went over again
poor bb
mux haf been working too hard

online wid wb ytd
tat mr bean
haas
tot i disappear from the world

guess sort of ba
somehow
haben been contacting moi grandsons
n e ppl ard
ppl seems to miss mi
heehee

he's a sensitve one
feel tat things arent rite
showed mi moi horoscope reading for e dae
it saes
moi life is going to balance
lols
wad does tat mean

anyway
i jux miss moi bb
wth
jux seen him few hrs ago

his house
as if moi 2nd home
i noe exactly
where everything is placed

walk ard like nobody biz
even didi at home
doesnt matter
whahaha

hmm
now at work leh
again

vanessa jio mi go mambo nite
canot go
not feeling well
but she keep tempting mi
arghhhh

shall sign off le
hope bb get well soon
^_^

tears
not feeling rite
'daddy' sae i look haggard
sick n weak

no longer the bubbly
little gal he used to noe
e soul in mi
gone

sumtink not rite
cudnt tell
jux dun feel rite
hurt

agony
nobody noes
dere r things not meant to be said

worries
questionmarks
all by moiself

sharkfin
beijing duck
orders by sistas
y e sudden

probably shdnt haf come back at all
shd haf been a good gal
be e little granny
might been more happy

at least those r the days
i reali laughed
with no worries

nainai miss her grandsons

things not going smoothly
obstacles owaes appear
y am i
owaes stuck in between

since sec 1
been making decisions
been crying over
y mi again

can dere be once
let mi live life
as it is

can dere be once
i dun haf to start thinking
wad should i do

moi life
full of challenges
does tat make mi
a stronger n better person

or make mi
a more quiet n reserved

can i
jux sit back
n not bother abt anything

i dun wan to work
i dun wan to travel from one end to another
thinking of how am i going to spend tat 4hrs in the airport

its holidays
moi last school holidays
can i jux quit
n enjoy moiself to the fullest

wad will ppl sae of mi
i din turn up for work
cux i was sick
ppl angry
cux it was last min

but how can u predict
u will be sick the next day

if now i sae
daddy gary
i wan to quit
i nid to think of a valid reason
y izzit such a last min decision

will be putting daddy gary
in a spot
he dotes on mi so much
as if im his daughter
how can i be so cruel
to do this to him

wanping
u gotta endure
3 more wks
it will be over

jia you

neber knew wad i wrote
will scare ppl like hell
haas

*to joan*

i read ur blog
was at a lost of words
think from his point of view
u will realise y he does this n that

he tie ppl
cux he cherish e person
he dun wan to lose tat special one
if u notice
his special one is owaes loved by many

e blood n j-ster
is not gone
dey went pub
for men's talk
like gals
we haf our gals' talk too
guys need privacy too
e bros n sistas
did not forget u

thank u for ur blessings
i wish u n kw well too
all da best
jia you

be a good gal
dun let ur tots run wild
if not
no sharkfin for u!!
=P

*to all those who r concerned*

im perfectly fine
sorry for e scare

jux tat moi digestive system
not bery good
tats y
i feel like vomiting
cux the food pcs r not digesting
ended up too full

imagine
u ate alot
much more den usual
stomach bloated
den u board a train
so crowded n shaky
wont u wan to vomit?

so guys
dun anyhow think

thanx for ur concern
lurve ya

feeling so restless everyday
everything i eat jux dun seems right
feel like vomiting all the time
if not i'll feel too full
even if its jux a bun for a meal

gosh
wads happening to mi
feeling so sick
so tired

went for project today
as usual
e man n woman is late
n very late

guess cux of last nite's bbq
had fun
played secret no
drank tat cup of chilli + volka + chips
yucks

so many things to do
proj discussion r owaes short n sweet
good
sumhow
i can c some progress
at least for sm
e whole report outline is done
great

e sad thing is
i realise
sch's starting soon
pretty fast eh

haven reali enjoy
n e holidays r ending
when sch starts
its going to end pretty soon too

den i'll be gone
wid moi present situation?
can i endure e long hrs?
n e 5mths w/o moi mama ard?
omg

lion com coming
everybody is busy
y am i not?

da-shu called e other day
surprise
he asked y i not competing
told mi sp seems not enuff ppl
alright
i din noe
i wasnt told
i promised him
i'll help out if deres a need
but bb disagreed

darling
oh pls
dun tie mi so tight
dun

so wad r moi plans?
going to be like e other time
inform him onli when everything is done?
no way
he's going to kill mi

nvm
shall take a step at a time

tmr going out
fretting over wad to wear
moi wardrobe looks so plain
y is mama owaes complaining too many?

nah
i wan to buy t-shirts!!
think ps got one shop
selling tops pretty nice
shall drop by tmr

world cup fever
no scv at home
missed so many matches

ytd got portugal
today got czech republic
tmr got brazil
moi favs
gonna miss it
arghhh

im feeling so sick
help