gosh.. im hungry!! at this hour?! n i asked moi mum to get mi hokkien mee?! she will onli be back by 2am, the earliest.. omg.. going to be fat fat fat!! whahaha.. aiya.. dun care la.. who cares anyway.. heehee..

went tampines mall today.. hmm.. can u imagine.. its moi firx time dere!! nineteen yrs in singapore?! lolx!! so crowded.. so many things so much food!! food!! oopz.. heehee..

hmm.. accompanied ch go c hp.. so many ppl!! e queue was like outside e shop le.. at e neighbour shop le lor.. omg.. ppl nowadays bery rich arh.. mux be e govt package.. y i dun haf?!! when will it be moi turn to be rich oso?? i saw e new version of fx9.. called fx01.. e specs bery good sia.. courts selling at 699.. two 512mb SD memory card.. going to check out other places.. hopefully got cheap cheap one.. heehee..

oh ya.. guess who i saw? raymond!! so long neber c him le!! e last time we met was like at pizza hut? or in school? anyway.. he working as promoter dere now.. neber change.. still so nice to chat chat.. haas.. wonder hows other colleagues.. we used to work at pizza hut.. owaes fooling together.. pinching on food.. wiping the tables.. battling wid the customers.. wonderful memories.. love em lots..

somehow.. been happier these days?? becuz i found a new place to shop? or am i excited cux im going johor wid moi friends tmr!! finali not working!! can haf a break.. n we r going shopping!! i miss moi shopping days.. been working almost everyday.. so tired.. so stressed..

recently realised.. wad i study n wad i haf to noe is way beyond wad e sch teaches.. i violated e labour law.. until mama explained to mi.. which means, auntie is right this time..

mama sae i nid to noe e labour law.. n im studying tourism law.. last sem i did biz law.. y so many laws?!! aiyo.. den nid to noe moi geography bery well.. at moi fingertips.. nid to noe this.. nid to noe tat.. practically everything under e sky!! how much more can i take??

im tired.. reali tired.. feel like giving up everything now..
where's moi darling?? do u still exist??
i nid ur shoulder.. i nid a hug.. can i??
can i stil hold on to tat belief of mine??

shit auntie!! damn it!! go n die!! fark!! cant she be more flexible?!! u ate meesiam at 10am!! now u wan to go for ur lunch?!! wth!! i dun wan to go break at 12pm.. canot huh?? 12pm peak hour.. so many ppl.. i went half hr later den got seats.. cannot huh?? i gave in to u.. neber quarrel wid u.. give u face liao.. wad else u wan?!! tot u changed for e better.. u din!! ur old self resurfaced!! wth.. fark u!! i dun wan to work wid u eva again!! u better report sick on moi bdae!! dun wan to c u!! not at all!!!

she came to noe abt sumtink she wished she had neber knew.
actuali she knew.

ppl concerned asked y she neber turn up at the chalet.
she was glad she din.
she cant imagine how things were going to be.

she felt cheated. betrayed.
no longer e person she used to noe.
a moment ago. she was swearing at him.
hated him to the core.

den all the anger vanished.
at a blink of an eye.

the next thing she knew.
utter disappointment.
she dunno how she shd be feeling anymore.

friends asked. wad plans haf she got for her bdae.
she said dunno.
she wans to gif privilege to the impt ones. she replied.
e fact is. she's waiting.
for tat somebody to celebrate wid her.
e promise.

she knew. its over.
she knew. her heart is dead.
yet she's not fully awake.

wake her up. somebody pls.
she dun wish to become a crooked.
all her beautiful wedding plans will be gone.

or well. it's alrdy gone.
haas.

stupid nainai ish missing somebody everyday. yet e somebody ish having fun wif somebody else in his arms. she dunno how she shd be feeling anymore le. e guy she loves so much dun even think of her. yet a gal misses her like dunno wad. omg. will dere be a day nainai fall for a gal too?

im at a lost of words. nellie confessed her feelings for mi. said she got attracted to mi. i mean i din discrimate her la. but reali dunno wad to sae when she asked whther she can be nice to mi. gosh. i cant possibly sae no. its going to break her heart. but wad wud happen if i sae yes?
oh mine.

aiya. dunno la. jux now went imm. queued so long jux to pay for TWO cheesecakes. wth. queue until moi waist ish hurting again. wanted to do tutorial. not in e mood le. i cant even sit down. it hurts. like hell. somebody help... im dying.

cy msg mi. sae vesak day may haf to chu shi. haas. moi bdae. c how ba. if no program den go chu shi lor. celebrate qian qiu wor. lolx. actuali kinda disappointed la. i oso dunno. feeling kinda moody. y no ppl wan to celebrate bdae for mi?? haix.

wlcs kids go chalet. was to celebrate xl's bdae in advance. guess dey forget abt mine le ba. last yr we celebrated tgt. cux our bdaes were onli a wk difference. ts called mi to go. he's e onli one. den i heard he wan to jio mi. wth. no wonder col mi almost everydae. thankfully he stop liao. when we were p5 he sae he like mi. all e way until we were sec3. he neber succeeded. n he was real hurt when i made a clear n decisive cut. he even cried in sch. luckily we remained as friends. now ish like 4yrs liao. stil like mi meh? bu hui ba. guess its jux a moment of chong dong ba. haas.

todae work wid auntie shirley. it went smoothly. i mean yesh, we did manage to chat a little. whew. thursday morning going to work wid her again. wha. morning no customers de wor. lets hope everything will be alright ba. afterall, she did become a better person. not as demanding as before. no longer a big bully.

im tired. bye.

went to work on fridae.. wid moi usual partner.. but he dun seems alrite.. he's weird tat dae.. kinda short-tempered.. dunno wad happen.. later he said he's jux worn out.. hmm.. hope so ba..
den went back wid moi juniors.. e hyper-active bunch.. nellie scared e hell out of mi.. she kinda real concerned abt mi.. asking things like whether im attached.. whether i need her to send mi home.. gosh! its not like her!!
den she started msging mi.. ask all she could ask.. moi private life.. omg.. until she finali reveal.. i caught her attention.. tats y she's curious.. n wans to noe everything abt mi.. lolx!!
still remember e other time went mos wid moi khakis.. dey were curious too.. cux.. im attracting both genders!! hmm.. am i so attractive?! haas..

went for gathering wid moi sisters jux now.. but left kinda hurriedly.. din even touch e food.. feeling so guilty.. i dun meet them often.. once in a few months.. i noe dey miss mi lots.. haiz.. other den sorry.. i reali dunno wad to sae.. e gap btw us r getting bigger.. 4+1=5

was discussing wid seng abt bdae plans.. going to be free for the whole dae.. gosh.. no way.. i wan to celebrate!! all the way from morning to late midnight.. i wan to be kept busy!!
was thinking abt bbq.. den to realise will be having bbq e previous nite..
clubbing.. not all can enter.. too ex..
chalet.. exceed budget.. actual day fully booked..
kbox.. exceed budget..
how how how???
den moi dear son came up wid a vegetarian trip.. cux its vesak day.. lolx!!
shall see to it den.. heehee..

by the way.. im selected to go attachment at disneyworld, florida!! will be leaving this coming end august if everything goes smoothly.. it will be a half yr trip.. until mid feb if im not wrong.. yippee!! im going for holiday!!
but im going to miss watching lion com at taka this yr.. n e daylight dragon com.. awww.. i neber miss them!! will someone record the whole thing n send it to mi when im in florida?? haas.. wth..

-i wished i wished-
this trip to florida will be an enriching one..
allow mi to forget all the unhappinness..
bring moi soul n heart back to mi..
give mi some enlightenment..
tel mi wad im doing ish not wrong..
tel mi i am still mi..
tel mi all ish not lost..

arghhhh... dun wan to think liao la.. wth..

will somebody buy mi a digi cam?? i wish i wish -_-

caught in between. one has to let go eventuali.
aint feeling good.
guess tats the best way out.
the drama finali come to a stop.
its last episode.

mood not right. soul disappeared.
ppl wonders.
wads wrong wid her?

her old self is coming back.
the hot-tempered n unfriendly gal.

she's shutting out.
gonna lose her friends.
urge to haf somebody to depend on.
yet not opening up the line for queue.
no. she's not going to.
tired.

thursday. her off day.
wake up at 530.
work. again.
needs a break.

needs some light.
in the world of darkness.
lost.

hope he's doing fine.

1+1 = 2

as days pass. her bdae getting nearer.
friends r asking, "wad do u wan for a present?"
she ponders.
e things she needs r real expensive.
she noes dey cant possibly afford.

she wanted a digi cam since yrs ago.
now she needs a thumbdrive to store her doc too.
she wish she had another pair of shoes to interchange.
she wans a new hp.
a laptop. light n wireless.
wad she needs if she goes disney.

today. she was told. 90% of all r going.
onli a gal or 2 r tot not suitable.
shd noe e results by tis weekend.
dun dare to put too much hope.
e higher e expectations. e higher e disappointment.

on the way home. she looked out into the forest.
dark. n felt lonely.
memories flash back.
her best fren asked her abt her ex.
n was caught surprised.
haas.

no contact. she knew tis was going to be.
she missed e times when dey cud joke abt their past.
dey seems so close den.
now so cold.
or maybe e weather is cold.
unstabilised emotions.

she told herself. leave him alone.
"u knew he needed a break"
catch up wid him when he does so ba.
like how it used to be.
for the time being. let it be.

once again. fallen.

omg!! im laughing non-stop!! i finali found the song!! "lu bing hua" heehee..
kk.. here goes the next episode..

its no longer a game of two. e ppl dey noe.
too many the same. the connection btw em.
she was told to keep a distance. she heard sumtink she dun quite believe.
she clarified. n get the whole picture.
she knew.
hope she did the right thing.

she simplified the whole thing. feeling so much relaxed.
so much happier now. it was simple in the firx place.
she tot too much. her mood got affected.

she wans to say sorry to her precious son.
she apologise for her attitude.
she thanks everybody for cheering her up.
she thanks the monkey especially n her son.
not forgeting the one who col her obaacchan.
she wans to tel them.
she wans to shout to them.
"granny has revived!!"

she read his past entries. she realised.
she was probably correct. he said she was half rite.

love is not abt sacrificing. but when a guy is willing to e gal means alot to him.
dey r past tense. he came back probably he cudnt forget.
their past was a special one afterall.
she's alrdy contented she's remembered.

follow ur heart.

she saw em. n she hide away.
somehow she jux dun wan em to c her.
she saw him. stil as charming.
haas. wth.

she dunno wads going on in her.
fickle minded.
she's afraid she made e wrong decision again.
opportunities dun owaes come.

she's upset. dey onli inform her last minute.
everything was in a chaos.
made her brother wait in the rain.
n missed his outing wid his friends.
when everything shd haf left as it is.
she felt guilty.

waist hurting. old injury.
onli her n the empty house.
sometimes she jux wished dey hadnt moved.
empty heart. she wished he was here.
to spend the night wid her.
keep her accompany.
like how dey used to be.

nomore. story ended.
she realised. seems like everywhere he is 'she' wil be dere.
she noes his feelings.
but she dunno wad to do.
lost. no sense of directions.

sometimes she wonders.
is she doing the right thing?

she told herself she has reached her final destination.
has he?
he comes n go.
were dey meant to be?

knot finali untied. tots n feelings poured out.
decision made. it hurts. she wanted to cry but tears wudnt flow.
tears no more. dried.
e bullet in her heart pulled out. blood flow non-stop.
officially pronounced dead.

on the same nite. she made another heartaching decision.
she going to leave her grandsons.
her favourite lollipop.
somehow she is willing to sacrifice. she dunno y.

behind his back. she tries her best to help him peace out.
he dint noe. probably will never noe.
she's glad. things arent so complicated for him anymore.
at least she managed to tok to another her.
and convinced her.

she wish him all the best.
for she gonna be gone.
forever.

guess staying home a day did help sort out her tots.. special thanx to her hyper active grandson.. the monkey.. haha.. n many thanx to all who haf been trying to cheer her up.. she promised to keep spld going.. so no way can she go missing.. she's not e irresponsible type..
den again.. she's rather upset tat nobody keeps her inform abt the chu shi tmr.. initially was said to help in dragon pfm.. den heard dun nid le.. but stil gotta help out in welcoming.. she changed her schedule becux of this.. n kinda irritated her supervisor cux of the troubles.. now she got this.. wth..

she had been hunting for cameras for years.. finali she saw the one she like pretty much.. but its kinda expensive.. going to cost her a bomb.. panasonic fx9.. 6megapix, 1gb memory.. for $649.. pretty good.. but she dun earn as much.. she cant probably get someone to buy her tat as a bdae present either.. its way too ex.. unless its at least 60ppl sharing.. haas.. not too possible..

she's acting weird recently.. at least tats wad her son told her.. wheneva he mention abt dragon.. she would be so pissed off.. n starts to gif attitude.. dunno wads going on wif her.. sick n tired? probably ba.. not as enthu as she used to be le.. haiz..

27days to her last yr of teens..

wan to cry liao la.. jux received moi latest work schedule.. so many weekends not scheduled to work.. wad am i going to do at home?!! today holiday neber work already half dead liao.. wanted to go shopping.. nobody to col along.. leg pain.. oso dunno how to go jalan.. slept at 5am.. woke up at 230pm.. wth.. tot of going moiself.. den raining.. y is the heaven going against mi too?!! bdae holiday.. holiday double pay.. not working too.. no progammes.. no party.. haix..
im so bored.. den moi khakis all not online.. guess everybody got their own programmes ba.. sianx.. wad a good friday..

the same route. the same surroundings. the same people.
different status. different feelings.
as time flies. things do change. environment change. people change.
no longer the same.
things tat needs to be said. couldnt be said.
things tat shdnt happen. happened.

granny. no longer herself.
soul gone. laughter gone. enthusiasm gone.
missing. one day. some day.

went huang shifu's mum wake today. simple but good service. noe almost all who attended. sp, nyp, rp, wc, wj. big family. one for all, all for one. owaes helping each other. wonders how long will she be with them. she has a home she couldnt return. yet she has a family she couldnt col it her own. everybody treated her like princess. respected her though loved to tease her. dey will be dere for her whenever she's feeling down. she loves them. she reali do. but she's breaking down. mentally.
dere r some things she jux couldnt sae it out. she's feeling terrible hiding it in her heart. its not like her. she's no longer the noisy little granny. things tat seem simple r getting complicated. y is she implicated? she reali need someone beside her. jux stand by her side. she dun get it. whenever her friends need companion. she will try her best to be dere for them. but when she needs someone... ... there's no one in sight. is it becux she has got too many friends tat she dunno who to turn to? too many things happened tat taught her not to trust a person too easily?

u can haf as many friends as u want. but one who can keep u accompany when u r down is enuff.

he called.. but she din pick up the fone.. in fact she was jux beside.. she jux dun feel like.. she's confused.. again.. everytime he comes back, she will be in a lost.. one part of her wanted so much to continue their story.. yet e other part told her to let go.. she dunno wad to do..
he said now she's e one giving him empty hope.. did dey patch in the firx place?? haiz.. wad should she do?? where's her guardian angle?? would somebody guide her??

she woke up late.. den to realise her leg is hurting again.. it reali hurts.. she cant even twist her ankle properly.. wont be surprised if she cant walk..
dey were supposed to haf lunch together today.. she asked.. and he said 'anything'.. seems like he dun gif it a damn.. whether dey meet anot doesnt mean anything.. its the 'ting jiu hao' again? probably ba.. dey owaes agreed to sumtink but neber once accomplish it.. haiz..

its the 12th today.. one more month its granny's bdae.. tears not going to flow anymore.. gotta stop.. i've got better things to do den to let moi heart ache everynite..
let mi go disney.. let mi go pls.. let mi go away for a while.. im reali hurt.. reali hurt this time.. pls..

somehow her entries seem to bring so much hurt to ppl ard her.. jm read her blog.. was a big blow to her.. she tot he lied to her again.. when the truth is.. nobody noes dey had neber stop contacting each other.. in fact.. nobody asked abt em.. dey did remain as friends.. purely friends.. sometimes.. things dun nid too much explanation.. the more u tries to explain.. the more complicating it becomes..
e fact is dey r jux friends.. she's jux somebody he can turn to when he needs a shoulder to cry on.. he cols her bb.. wad he used to col her.. she dun feel anythink anymore.. no longer like e other time when she cried as he called her by tat name.. nomore..
dey r meeting up for lunch.. their usual place usual stall usual lunch.. she's kinda nervous.. wondering wad wud happen when dey meet.. dey haven met for months, alone.. almost a yr.. its going to feel kinda awkward.. wont it? actuali.. she's not in the mood rite now..

went training today.. basic training.. her leg hurts again.. the infected area.. she din change clothes.. but stil gotta teach.. n its somebody whom she dun like.. she heard the gal kinda backstab her.. her home ppl din noe abt her r/s wid wj.. she noes dere will be misunderstanding.. tats y she neber breathe a word.. yet tat asshole let it all out to their shifu when she dunno anything.. wth!!
she reali regretted asking her to join sp.. she's so fake.. not like who she used to noe.. so lazy.. so materalistic.. so girlie.. training stil put makeup.. wad the hell!! she almost raised her voice at her.. jux cant stand the way she's behaving.. yucks! sucks to the core!!
n why of all ppl.. put them in the same team!! she wanted so much to distance away from her.. she was advised to keep a distance.. get away from mi!!! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

her kids tot she was so excited she finali found somebody to sub her lollipop.. e truth is.. she dun.. but she had to get a substitute.. her leg is giving her problems.. n her waist.. n her wrist.. she's injured everywhere.. she gotta take care.. she couldnt reali do stuns anymore.. n today.. her heart problem came back.. once in a while.. she will start panting with no reason.. she dunno why.. but guess sumtink's not rite.. haix..

can somebody lend her a hug.. she's crying..

she's loud n noisy.. all she wanted was attention
she needs to noe she's not alone
she hates to be neglected.. she hated e feeling of loneliness
she's owaes laughing.. yet deep within she's feeling empty
all she needed was care n concern
all along she had em all..
until somebody appear.. e somebody who backstab her
she had to share
reluctant.. she puts in her usual smile n cries in her heart
everybody treated e asshole like treasure
who would ever understand how she feels?

ck called while she was asleep in the train.. n he said u look ugly when u slp in the train.. oh gosh! dey chatted for a while den he finali admitted he was not in the train at all.. lolx!! well.. even if he was.. she wouldnt noe.. she dun remember how he looks like.. could even sae she neber reali met him.. but somehow.. deres a connection btw em..
dey knew each other for almost a yr.. but dey neber met.. he noes how she looks like.. onli she dunno.. but dey kept in contact thru fone.. n dey cud tok everything under e sun like nobody biz.. deres owaes laughter in their conversation..
he reminded her when he ask how's she doing.. she was once hurt so deeply.. he reminded him how he treated her in the past.. is she going back to him?? this time.. she haf to make her decision wisely.. or probably not necessary.. its complicating.. she dun even noe where she stands now..
she onli noes somewhere in her heart he stil exists.. n somehow.. she's not getting a bf..
if anybody ever wonders.. this would be her answer " cux im called gunainai".. granny is contented enuff to haf her grandchildren wif her.. she dun ask for more..

tot of putting up e lyrics norman sent mi.. was so meaningful.. describes exactly how i feel.. but it crashes moi blog.. damn! wait till i learnt how to post chinese words ba..

somehow dunno wad happen.. dey agreed on being the part time post onli the two of em wil noe.. she allowed him to apply cux he had e experience.. or was it becux of special privileges she had stored for him? she stated her terms.. if he is able to oblige he will be paid handsomely..
but is this thing for real? r things meant to turn out this way?? were dey meant to be??
dey dreamt e same thing on the same day.. his ended sweetly.. but hers ended wid disappointment.. wad does tat mean??

dey met 2003.. got together in the same yr.. feelings onli grow stronger after a few months.. couples envied their sweetness.. until dey started to quarrel.. n finali ended in 2005..
dey kept in contact as friends.. he kept her informed of his lifestories.. his lovestories.. she was dere when he was down.. had owaes been the pillar for him to hold on.. neber once had she left.. even when she feels tat he had found his true love..
when she finali stabilized.. softly in her heart whispered.. she will neber go back to him again.. he comes back.. n somehow she allows him to..
the chapter unfolds on their 2 n 1/2yr anniversary.. or did it?

she read her blog.. e other her who loves him so much yet at the same time hurt him so much.. tat her needs him more.. she's alrdy kinda used to her single life.. he can do so much for tat her.. he does love her.. doesnt he? she noes love is selfish.. but she rather be the one behind the scene.. bless him..

-to gs-
dunno if u will get to read this.. jux wanna sae sorrie for hurting u so much.. shdnt haf misled u..
i noe sorrie no cure.. but tats e onli word i cud think of..
go ahead n avoid mi ba.. if this will make u feel much better.. though disappointed cux im going to lose a good buddy.. but rather u live happier.. all the best for ur future endeavours..

he msg n said he was sick n he needed her badly.. somehow a voice tels her tat she needs to col him.. nutink.. jux to be assured he's fine.. he was ill.. seriously ill.. much more serious den e other time.. tis time he had to take care of his own.. without her ard to help out.. dey chatted.. like old frens.. until he said he had all along treated her as his baobei laopo.. she stil plays an impt part in his life.. n neber been replaced.. can he be trusted?
she read jm's blog e other dae.. she said tat he onli wanted her(jm) to be his onli baobei.. she read so many of her entries to find similarity in wad he used to sae to her.. e trust has faded..
he probably plays an impt part in her life too.. she noes clearly he wil neber be replaced.. but she oso noes.. sumtink is missing.. she might yearn for the feeling.. but its neber gonna be e same again..

she dreamt of him.. dey met up as agreed.. for a date.. she wanted so much to hold his hand again.. but neber had e chance.. when she finali hold him.. he was holding a cigarette.. he noes she dun like ppl ard her to smoke.. she let go immediately.. wid disappointment.. attitude changed.. dey went home.. to her home.. slept in the same room.. different beds.. somehow dey hugged.. n almost kissed when he pushed her away.. saying he dun wan to mislead her..
wad is the dream trying to tel her?
frens tel her to put down n carry on wid life.. get a new bf n start anew.. she jux cudnt.. she can accept the fact.. she face reality.. but she jux cudnt let her hand slip into somebody else's.. she once said b4.. he wil be her one n onli hubby.. her last bf.. n she wil wait.. no matter how long.. den she set herself a deadline.. 090909.. e date dey set for rom..
3yrs from now.. wad wil happen? onli heaven noes..

damn!! sumtink's wrong wid moi blog.. but i dunno wad happen.. for once i refresh.. everything is in place.. i refresh again.. everything is messed up.. -_-!!
monday went sinseh wid mum.. serious.. i din sprain moi ankle.. it got infected.. tats y it hurts.. n it hurts alot.. n moi wrist.. e sinseh asked mi to be careful.. said tat e bone shifted.. wth.. everywhere oso injury.. e other time was moi waist.. where will it be e next time??
ytd heard moi dear son pathetic story.. sympathize.. lost of words.. haix.. jux hope everything will turn out well for him.. like i sae.. dun gif up urslf.. dere r stil many out dere who cares for u.. bless him.. -_-

had a heart to heart talk wid wb last nite.. 5hours.. phew.. tat was long.. so glad we met n knew.. one of moi confidante..
jux now gs msg mi.. said sumtink tat reali pissed mi off.. din asked him to wait in the firx place.. did mention b4 abt 090909.. wadeva.. i dun care anymore.. but moi heart did hurt.. was shattered.. disappointed..
went to his blog.. saw his photos.. dunno y.. felt like a stranger.. somebody i used to depend on.. no longer dere..
spld having problems.. heard displeasure.. cux sp n wj too close.. dunno wad to sae.. ts msg mi.. asked i neber go back wlcs le meh.. dunno wad to sae.. not i dun wan go back.. but i felt extra wheneva i go back.. i dun feel moi importance dere.. i dun haf a role to play..
den again.. i dun belong to wj.. no matter how close am i wid em.. tats not moi home.. not where i belong..

2yrs back.. becux of him.. i left moi home..
den becux of him.. i lost moi soul..
now.. again.. becux of him.. i lost moi directions..